Open Studio

Tomorrow is Open Studio and I reveal my soul to the world once again.
No matter how long I paint, I still feel naked in my exposure.
It has been an intense winter and painting has saved my life many times over as I have painted my way through an emotional mine field. This vulnerability appears
obvious to me in the paintings I hung today, can others see & feel this rawness?


I know not what the future holds but feel I am capable of handling whatever
comes because I am flexible and open to letting go of the many expectations
and roles that I clung to so desperately in an attempt to hold onto old patterns
of denial that had become outgrown. It felt as though I was living in clothes that
had become too tight for me and were ripping apart at the seams. The clothes
finally became rags and I clung to them anyway to hide my nakedness. Eventually
the old rags disintegrated and left me raw and exposed, vulnerable to the world.
This was a very, very frightening period. Alone & exposed at the edge of an abyss. Uncertain, full of self-doubt, self-pity, worthlessness and absolutely no map with directions anywhere in site, I pretended to know where I was going when I was completely lost.

I am slowly sewing together new clothing and it is exquisite in its flowing, generous
cut, allowing for greater freedom of movement and a certain new stillness from within
makes the transparent cloth shimmer with colors and light. I realize that no map with
directions will magically appear but that my own inner guide will lead me when I am
quiet enough to listen. I learn what I am looking for when I paint.

Flooded with Images

My muse is in a generous, loving mood these days. I must have 8 or 10 canvases on the go, all sizes, shapes, colours, textures. I can't keep up with the outpouring, one thing leads to another. The faces keep appearing and I find them rather mysterious and interesting to watch as they evolve into entities with a life of their own. After a day of painting I seem to have a heightened awareness of the world around me. I arrived home after a spring rain and the evening light was golden and alive. I was compelled to walk in the lingering mist and listen, smell and taste the world around me. I am so amazed and grateful to alive! Here are some words that came to me as I walked in the warm rainsoaked evening:
dusk drips darkness
over fragrant wet lilacs
as birdsong speaks of love
in the apple blossoms.

small rant at the moon

Tired today, full moon pulling hard on the emotions
rain, wet, cold
shifting tides, always shifting to new positions
tired of myself and the way I was, am and will be
forever more
stuck in between becoming
who i am and who i was
holding the tension
and surrendering in
sheer exhaustion
today.

(a)muse(d) / essence of self & sanctuary / earthy apparition

haiku by alotus_poetry

Painting from Inside the Rock

In a previous post many moons ago I mentioned having had a dream about painting from inside the rocks. I actually entered into the rocks and felt a need to express what I felt from within this space which was an entirely visceral experience. My friend Allison, who curiously enough was also in the dream, has just written a series of poems about a similar experience that she had with the rocks. Afer reading her poems several times, I grabbed the largest canvas in my studio and just started to paint from inside the rocks. This is the first completely intuitive, abstract piece that I have ever painted and I am in love! This afternoon the face started to appear so I just went with it because it so obviously wanted to be there. Not only am I painting from within the rocks but from a new place within myself. All I can do is follow the process and see where it leads me.

Cloud Spill

colors letting go / misty morning spills onto trees / the lake cradling clouds

haiku by alotus-poetry

Lush Brush

collective rustle / forest ground blushes in shyness / light brush from the sun

haiku by alouts-poetry