Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Part of You Flows Out of Me

 Part of You Flows Out of Me 1 & 2 / 30" x 24" each / acrylic on canvas

These two companion paintings were the last two I was working on when Walt was still with me in the Montreal studio. He loved them when he saw them first taking shape, unfortunately he never saw them finished. 

I wake up every morning and listen to my own breathing as I look at the empty space beside me in the bed. I feel Walt's presence with me everywhere I go and I still expect him to show up somewhere. He does show up sometimes, in small ways and gestures that warm me from the inside out.

The first month after he died I mostly sat in his chair by the window and stared at the world going by outside. I was frozen with pain and sadness. Slowly I am beginning to unthaw though the sadness lingers with me throughout the day. I tried to go to the studio where Walt's energy is the strongest and at first I couldn't bare it there for more then a few minutes at a time. Slowly I was able to start pushing some paint around half heartedly on the canvas. I was terrified that painting as a way of knowing had left me completely. 

Then one day I realized that by NOT painting I felt I was staying loyal to Walt. If Walt could no longer paint then why should I be able to? This seemed terribly unfair to him. Finally a friend suggested to me that I ask Walt for help with this. I pulled out his jars of premixed colors, a palette I know well from painting beside him for many years. I started to paint with his paints and slowly the warm flow came back. I could feel Walt's gentle hands guiding mine. Now when I paint I am filled with the warmth of Walt and feel embraced by his Love. 

These are the two most recent ones that emerged and they are coming from a deep, quiet place of Love for all that was and is Walt. I look forward to seeing what else will emerge from my broken heart. For a broken heart is an open heart.

River Flow / 10" x 10" / acrylic on wood

Slow RIver / 10" x 10" / acrylic on wood

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