Showing Up to Paint

I have been over flowing with paintings in the last couple months. In spite of a hectic schedule, many unexpected events and emotional clouts, I managed to carve out time to paint. Sometimes this had to be done with a very sharp sword.  I usually look forward to January and February as a time to hunker down in the studio and paint. The cold and the snow blowing outside the window as I turn inwards and draw from the images that emerge.

This year, there seemed to be all sorts of reasons to keep me out of the studio but somehow I managed to find a way back to those beloved brushes that help me to make sense out of this mad, crazy life.

There were times when I really felt that I couldn't cope with everything that was coming at me...here is the painting that resulted from a particularly emotional day.

Persephone's Ladder / 60" x 40" / acrylic on canvas

It was one of those days where a million emotions collided with a million thoughts and I felt briefly paralyzed, confused and unable to act.  I showed up at the studio anyway and through a blur of tears, literally threw paint at the canvas and clawed at the paint. You can read more about it here.

The next piece to emerge was this fierce warrior canoe, which actually began as a vertical tree but got carved into a canoe when I turned the canvas horizontally.  This piece contains the same strong emotions as Persephone's Ladder but now there is a safe harbor from the turbulence within the "canoe" and of course the moon is rising and guiding the way through a clear night.

Having navigated the rough seas of my own turbulent emotions, I now return to my landscapes with a new found energy and love of the earth, ever deepening as I come to terms with my own inner shades of darkness and claim them as part of myself.

As I conclude writing this post which began almost a week ago, I am happy to say that two of the most magnificent women just purchased this piece for their home. I am thrilled that the work reached out across the internet, drew them to my studio and into my life, for now I not only have the perfect home for this very charged and intimate painting but two inspiring new friends, who like the canoe, have helped to bolster me through rough emotional seas.

Painting in Progress

48" x 60" acrylic on panel board

Learning to live comfortably with the unknown. As soon as I slip into a tried and true method or a way of painting that I am comfortable with I also feel boredom. Boredom becomes a barometer of my level of commitment to pushing the boundaries of what I know. It is so easy to just ride on what I have already learned in painting/life (the two are interchangeable) and not push forward to new places, so much more comfortable but alas the painting won't allow this for long. There are times in the studio when I sincerely wish painting wasn't such a damn struggle. I know how hard my whole being is working to silence my ever chattering mind and allow what already exists to emerge unhindered onto the canvas. I need to be present for this, I cannot be lost in thoughts about how am I ever going to survive doing this? How is my daughter doing in school? What am I going to cook for dinner? Will anyone actually like this painting? I must just show up and paint. As soon as I enter the studio, the scent of paint stills these thoughts but I still pace around in circles and fiddle with brushes and tools for a time before I am focused and present enough to approach the canvas with the first tentative strokes of the day, at first there is confusion, struggle, wanting it to look a certain way...and THEN, the magic happens and we start to sing together! I stop resisting, trying to lead, being in control and I follow the paint. Sometimes I am led down scary paths, often imagery from my dreams crops up, I try and just hold onto these images and not think about them. I don't always like what emerges but soon liking or not liking falls away as well and there is just the paint, the colors, the textures, the forms and we dance with each other. As in life, surrender and trust are an implicit part of this process.