Tomorrow is Open Studio and I reveal my soul to the world once again.
No matter how long I paint, I still feel naked in my exposure.
It has been an intense winter and painting has saved my life many times over as I have painted my way through an emotional mine field. This vulnerability appears
obvious to me in the paintings I hung today, can others see & feel this rawness?
I know not what the future holds but feel I am capable of handling whatever
comes because I am flexible and open to letting go of the many expectations
and roles that I clung to so desperately in an attempt to hold onto old patterns
of denial that had become outgrown. It felt as though I was living in clothes that
had become too tight for me and were ripping apart at the seams. The clothes
finally became rags and I clung to them anyway to hide my nakedness. Eventually
the old rags disintegrated and left me raw and exposed, vulnerable to the world.
This was a very, very frightening period. Alone & exposed at the edge of an abyss. Uncertain, full of self-doubt, self-pity, worthlessness and absolutely no map with directions anywhere in site, I pretended to know where I was going when I was completely lost.
I am slowly sewing together new clothing and it is exquisite in its flowing, generous
cut, allowing for greater freedom of movement and a certain new stillness from within
makes the transparent cloth shimmer with colors and light. I realize that no map with
directions will magically appear but that my own inner guide will lead me when I am
quiet enough to listen. I learn what I am looking for when I paint.